April Blogging Challenge Day 26 (An Aria Of Life You Would Like To Improve)

Write about an area in your life that you'd like to improve.

* I do go a ways off topic here, but it all ties in. *

If there was a way I could physically and/or mentally handle working still, the aria I'd tackle is income. As well, I miss working a lot, but am just not able to do it anymore. The physical limitations I have, make me need to go to my bed and rest several times a day, or I will be in massive pain and my legs will go numb. Then there is the fact I no longer do good with the stress of working. Even if I was to work at home on my own time, I would have stress from it in the fact that I need to get a certain amount of work done every day to the standard of another person - this is not something my brain is willing to allow me to handle anymore. The last 2 times I tried to work ended in disaster and me being in the hospital for a week each time.

Unfortunately, people I know well can't seem to understand this simple fact. They look at me and think, "you could do some kind of work." Well being the only things I know how to do and am able to do, the stress is too great for me, no I can't do it. I can sure as hell do some art, or graphics of some kind for a friend, but this is me being nice and helping them. They are not giving me pressure to preform.

I've literally seen people I used to call a good friend (one in particular - DJ), posting attacks on my disabled status on their Facebook. I was shown a screen shot from someone I trust. He seems to have spent a good amount of time on the subject on his wall that night. All stemming from the fact he is easy to anger and rather a jerk when he's upset. He never learned to deal with people like a real man it seems, and instead goes right to the childish insults.

Family as well, did not understand my plight as well. The good side of the family got it, but they are all gone now, and what is left are people who judge anyone who is disabled as unworthy of help or love. I'm no the only one it's happened too, I know of one other person cut out of their circles because they could no longer work. This is to the point I will be ignored as even existing in a public place by them.

But to get back to it, I'd love to be able to work again - not only for the money, but the feeling of accomplishment that came along with it. But unfortunately, I had an event in my life that seems to have changed my brain for the worst. I thought I was talking to God and needed to be hospitalized. This was handled with medication, but my mind is no longer able to handle the pressure of working for another person.

Then people think, "why not work for yourself?" Well I tried that with my skill set, and made $150 in 3 years. It was not going to happen. No one wanted to buy the art, and no one wanted my to do graphics for them. My other skill sets rely on my physical ability to stand all day, and I literally can't do that, or I'll end up on the floor, unable to get up by myself. So no, it's just never going to happen.

As well, I do NOT play the lotto at all, and thus will never win. I honestly think people who need the money the most never win. It seems it's always someone that already has a hell of a lot more than I ever well. But this is life, and I must make the best of it, and be grateful that I can receive money from the government to at least feed and house myself.