A Month of Blogs Day 24 (A Lesson You've Learned)

The only big learning experience in the last half a year, is I should not drink. My friends and followers will know why. I can’t stop when I’m alone, I just keep going. This led to me almost dying on New Years Eve. I ended up in the hospital for 9 days. I lost 50% of my muscle mass in my legs in one night. I don’t understand this, but it is what happened. It took months to get my strength back. I’m sill not as balanced as I used to be and am a fall risk to say the least at times.

It's been 7 months and 24 days to the point of this blog, and I stumbled twice in the first 2 months. I let people down and got drunk. Worse, I let myself down. Since then, I’ve literally had 1 glass of whiskey in the entire time with a friend, and I said no to more. Most likely should not have had that one glass, but I did. I enjoy the taste of it, and the burn in the back of my throat. It’s very pleasurable. This is why it’s so hard to stop drinking. Also being drunk just feels great, there is no anxiety, and the pain level is way down. I will probably always want more, but I know I just can’t, it may hurt me again, and I can’t have that – my friends need me around.

I saw my brother fall into drinking when he was only 15 and he never stopped. He then drifted into hard drugs and ended up dead because of it. Part of me was mad at him when I found out, and part of me understood that escape from the harsh reality of being poor and in constant pain, is very tempting.

But I know now that this is something I just can’t keep in check when I’m alone – I will just keep drinking every time, and I can’t take the chance anymore. I’m old and my body gets hurt a lot when I fall now. I saw what could happen and am lucky my kidneys did not shut down or get damaged. I could literally have died that night, it’s a strong possibility. It’s not worth it and I need to fight for myself.

Maybe it’s the will of the Goddess that I’ve been sadly lacking in money since then, and there is not a way in hell I could spend it on the bottle. Currently, I need some clothing and am waiting on an advance from disability to be able to order it. I just paid off my debts, and am sad I need to have debt again, but there is very little choice, as next month’s money will be spent before the middle of the month on things I need, bills, rent and so on.

This is hard, and I really want it, but I must force myself to say no.

When you get sober, there will always be people who will think it’s a lie, but they are abusive people who just like to see others suffer, don’t give into them with anger – they can’t help but be that way, they are deeply damaged and say things out of self-loathing and a longing for some little bit of power in a sad and lonely life.

If you are on the same path, keep your friends close and stay strong. Fight for yourself always, you are worth it. Find other ways to be happy, after all, it’s not really being happy when you are drunk, it’s a lie. Hugs and Love to you.