Remembering Lost Loved Ones

This is Fathers Day 2021. I am remembering my Father (Dad) today. Soon he will have been dead for 29 years. That's a long time, but I still miss him all the time. When you love someone, they leave a hole when you loose them. That hole is never filled by anything else, it just stays there.

We had great times when I was young. I deeply miss watching bad movies on the CBC with him on Friday night. I miss talking to him about my day and my life and so much more. He was always there for me.

I miss my Mother as well. Soon it will be 9 years since she has passed. We had a deep bond and there was nothing I could not tell her, even if it made her cringe. When I cam out, she just said "I know" and went back to reading her paper.

Mom and I spent a lot of time together in the end. I was there for her as much as I could be while cancer slowly eat her away to a shell of what once was.

The loos of a loved one is always hard, but to see them suffer for years takes it's tole on you.

I would give a lot to have family game night one more time; or to watch the Tommy Hunter Show (even know I did not like the music, I liked the time together). We had KFC in the park in the summer or a trip to the (now long gone) A&W drive-in.

You don't realize it when you are young, but it's the best time of your life, and once it's gone, there is no turning back.

My Brother is also dead now. He took his own life not long ago. He was troubled most of his life and always felt he was being held down by the entire world. He feel into the grasp of Booze and Drugs and never shook the habit.

In the end my Brother was in a mental hospital for months then when he got out, he ended his life instead of the possibility of going back. We where not that close, as he was to say the least a selfish boy when we where kids. It all had to be about his pleasure and when he was punished for getting drunk at the age of 15, he went on a right good rant about how his life sucked. Some people just are born to never be happy.

I had a lot of good relatives as well. Most of my relations are not lost to the grave. To say the least, the good ones are all gone now. The ones left never talked to me in the first place. They felt the need to look down on me for becoming disabled and not being able to work. The same fate fell others in the family who became disabled.

When I came out rather publicly, it deepened the divide with the stuck up side of the family. There is no reconciliation to be had, and none that I would want. If offered the chance to be in their fold again, I'd say no.

Despite the lack of love from some relatives, I felt loved in my youth. In my teens depression took hold and it was a deep struggle, but I'm still here and over the years it got much better. My family was an adopted family, but they where my Mom and Dad and my Brother. The people who gave me life are nothing to me. I've never had the desire to find out about them. I also did not feel abandoned, because I was loved with no conditions.

To sum it up, my life is not the same without family that I've lost, but I'm loved by my friends and that is all that matters in the end. My friends hold me up when I need it, they help me when I need things as well. They are my family now.

Hold on to the memories of the good times, they are a deep comfort in the days when you feel alone. Peace and Love be with you.