DISSAPOINTED IN WEIGHT LOSS WON'T MAKE ME FEEL LESS ABOUT MYSELF

 I been trying to loose weight on mass for 4 years now. This year has been a disaster and I'm up like 20 lbs or so in total this year. That being said I gained 18 lbs this last week in 6 days - mostly from having an operation done on me.

I ended up peeing all night the one night and then poof 6.2 lbs less the next day. There is a possibility some of this 18lbs however was a delayed reaction to the week before I went in for surgery. I was not good the week before and it's happened before that I gain weight the next week, not that week.

This being said, I'm not looking to look great. I was 500 lbs at one time. There is no possibility of me looking sexy and firm after dropping hundreds of pounds. If you think this will happen, you must have a lot of money for cosmetic surgery - you will be left with a great deal of loose skin and all them strech marks still there.

I did not go for the gastric surgery as it's risky and you only tend to drop 20% of your weight in total after it and keep it off. There is a point where you drop way more than that, but you come back up to about 80% of your previous weight then settle in there - normally that is - some have kept off a great deal of weight after, and I know one that did.

But weight loss in the range I'm talking about is not a magic fix to look sexy. You should be doing it for your health. I'm down about 125 or so at the moment. At one magic point last year I was down a bit over 150 but I rebounded.

I'm trying like hell to get back on the wagon on this one, but it's as hard as any addiction to get past. I know there is that term a lot of people don't agree with. Then again, a lot of people think you CAN'T be addicted to pot and yes you can. It's a metal addiction, not a physical addiction, but you can be addicted to food or pot.

The act of eating is more of what I'm addicted to. The intake of food, not the actual food. The majority of food addicts are the same. We tend to associate food with pleasure and/or safety. When I eat something I find very tasty (almost always not good for me) I have the feeling of being home and being a child again. This is why it's so hard to just stop and get on the right path.

You see, as a child I was rewarded with food. When I did good, I got special food that was, well, most of the time not good for me food - things like pizza or chips and pop. I also spent most of my own money as a child on chips and pop and ice creme. The times my friends and I had when consuming these things stuck with me for life.

All this being said, I have come to terms with the fact I'm literally not capable of being thin or in great shape ever again. There is a great deal wrong with my body at this point and it's way too late. I'm literally to the point that my body is falling apart from the stress of being so large for so long and I can't get in shape again - literally can't, as it would harm me.

I love myself for who I am. I've even when at nearly 500lbs posed nude in dungeon photos and several other nude shoots. Some of these photos are on the net someplace. It was over a decade ago and I literally have not one clue where they where posted now - so they are out there forever.

I've been nude in a public pace before many times. I used to go to the nude beach in the early days and to a nudist resort when I had money and a car to travel with. A lot of the people in these places where like myself - not the kind of Hollywood sexy skinny things you see on TV. All of us sharing the same thing - a love for ourselves and acceptance of our body.

I'll put it this way, no part of me (including little Dave) measures up to the standard of the popular media as to what a male body needs to look like. That being said for someone my size - that part is actually kind of normal. Trust me over the years I've seen kind of a lot of plus sized men naked. But being this sized don't help the look of it. Still I am at peace totally about how I look (all of me).

I have tried so hard to get friends to accept their body and to move past the notion that they are not normal or they should be ashamed of their naked form. There is no reason someone should have shame for being nude - that is in a nude safe environment.

Yes - nude safe environment. We live in a society that does not allow us to just be naked in the city park for example - there are laws against that. So when we do take it all off and celebrate the freedom of primitive spirit that comes with nudity, we are in a safe place - safe for us and safe for the rest of the world in the way they don't see us doing it.

I can't tell you how to become good with your body image, you just have to work on it. Yes there is all kinds of self help shit out there, but I think it's a waste of money. Just go to a nude beach or event and let it happen. Exposure therapy may sound like a joke at this point, but it's just what you need.

I know some will never want to be with others. Just look at yourself. Get used to yourself and think positively. Know that it does not matter what others thing - they do not make you invalid - you make yourself valid. Love who you are.

For men this seems to be a LOT more easy to do. Women are beaten over the head with body image issues from birth. Society fails them. But with help from like minded people you feel safe with you can change this. Talk is the first step; though correction is the second step and the most important - think about yourself being beautiful.

Well I'll end this hear - I don't want to turn into some self help guru bullshit - I just want to express how I came to terms with myself and well express the disappointment of falling off the wagon but for health reasons, not body image ones. Have a blessed day and be you.