CHEAT WEEK CONTINUES - SIGH

So tomorrow is weigh in day and I spend money on a freaking pizza. I know the money is marked as "fun money" but still I have spent too much on fun already this month as I'm left with $44 give or take a few cents.

The fact that I once again had a bran fart and forgot that sugar is going to literally give me pain is the worst of it. So all night I'll be complaining that it hurts and I can't get to sleep. Yup.

So lets total up the damage. I had a pizza (all be it a free one) on Sunday. This week I also had a big breakfast out ($7) and 2 subs. Lets not forget another 2L bottle of coke.

See I have no delusions as to why I have not lost a lot more weight than I have to this point. It's all on me. The thing is here, I have zero regrets about it. I've enjoyed it all.

Well OK 1 regret, with the money I have spent on pizza in the last 3 or 4 years I could have had a nice reconditioned PC with the money. But I would also have to have not ever enjoyed eating fun food for that entire time. So it's a trade off and I'm not getting down over it.

This is the part that is complicated. I started to loose weight to extend my life a few years. The thing is at this exact moment I'm kind of good with dropping dead with a slice of pizza in my hand watching Netflix.

The thing is, I used to say dropping dead don't bother me and when the heart doctor said if you don't do something 2 or 3 more years and you are done. Then I was like "oh shit!" Yup there goes the not afraid to die.

I'm not going to say I am not in fear of it as I know to some extent I am. The only thing is, it's in the background and not right in my face like it was that day. Also now that I have been told the heart is back to almost normal with the meds and losing rather a lot of weight, I'm complacent. There it is right there complacent.

We have this instinct to want to stay alive and it kicks in when we face death. But we are also the same creatures that justify our actions with "well I want to have fun wile I'm alive". We trade off fun for long life sometimes you see.

There is of course an element here of deep rooted addiction to food. This is not like a drug you can stop using - we all need to eat to be alive (even fat people can't starve and be healthy). So it's kind of easy to fall off the wagon. Like any addict you literally don't think of what your doing to yourself and you think "I can handle it - just this one". Well as you see, just this one was Sunday and then all after it was falling down.

It's amazing though how people look at someone like me and say "just stop doing it". It's literally the same as looking at a junkie on the street and saying "just stop doing it".

The lack of understanding of how strong a food addiction is will never be known by people who don't have it. It's the same as I can't understand why my brother was addicted to booze and pain meds - I literally can't understand it. But I can accept that he had no power.

Anyway, with luck I won't do this again... As I say $44 of "fun money" left - so I really can't. After all there is a lot of month left to go and I need to be going for coffee with friends.

OH... See coffee with friends. See they order food often - see where I'm going here? Hard to sit there and watch people eat and not have anything. But I swear I won't have anything at coffee, just coffee. Just like my brother swore he was done with pain meds one day.

Have a good one and keep smiling. Also remember we all fall, it's the ones who get back up that are strong.