Constant Fear That It's The End

Ya know I wish the heart doctor would have just let me die and not told me. Every time my tummy is upset or my chest flutters a bit, I think "is this it?" Sigh. Thanks man - I really wanted to live the rest of my life wondering if this is the time. See if I did not know - I would not live as long, but I also would have had no fear about it. Now it's always there. Every moment. And when the dizziness comes, I really think "is this it?" Sigh. Would have been better to just up and drop without knowing. I sure as hell know what it felt like for Mom when she was told there was not much time. At least she had the blessing of losing her mind first and going off into a happy land of things and people the rest of us could not see. So she went out happy. My last thought I am sure will be a lot less than happy. For all the times I said, "I don't fear death", now that it's a reality, I'm terrified. I only hope it gets more easy as the time goes on. And what if I last 15 or 20 more years? Will I still be freaking out or will I just accept it when it comes. The told me that Dad felt nothing when we died. I sad beside him driving the car when he passed. I can tell you he was in hell for about 30 seconds. Yes he felt it and it was terrible. I also wonder about the void I will leave in so many peoples lives. The count on me to cheer them up and to be there to talk to. Too many things that I feel every time I get dizzy like I am right now to be able to express them all. There is fear and there is the desire to just have it over with and there is the question of what is next and will it hurt like Dad and... Well you get the point. It all comes to mind then I want to just close my eyes and have it go away. I really do want a lot more time. I want to see the world threw they eyes of an old man. But my choices in life for many many years and the fact that I never listened to the many people who told me it would kill me, hangs it all on me. I also wonder for the years that I was complaining I am dizzy a lot to my Doctor and the times I told them about the strange feeling in my chest - did they care? I mean this is at least 5 years I been saying it. If it was not for an ER visit I would not have even been sent to the Heart Doctor. I don't even remember why I went in but the did an EKG and where concerned. I've already had one heart attack you see. I just literally did not feel it. Oh well, maybe it's way too late and maybe there is time to change things and get more time. I don't know and that drives me mad. In the end we all die. In the end most of us want more time. In the end almost all of us are scared to go. In the end we are all alone, even if we are in a room full of people at the time. I am fairly sure I am having one hell of a panic attack right now, but the uncertainty makes it much worse. If this is my time my last thought would be, "I hope the slow cooker don't start a fire". How silly is that? Oh well time to go and lay down and hold my Pusheen stuffy.

Peace and Love - Dave...