That long night.

I held him as he cried that long night. I told him he was going to be alright and it was will be over soon. Before that he was crying out to God to make the many demons go from him. I could see his pain and wanted it all to end. I wanted to make him know he was loved and God had not left him. He yelled out that he was lost in an endless plague of pain and suffering.

The voices told him to do things that he knew where wrong and he asked me why would they not be quiet and where was God in all of this. I told him he was right with us and he loved us. I told him he would not abandon any of his children. Then he told me that God was telling him to hurt himself; to do unspeakable things. I told him this is not God talking and it is not a demon. I told his this was his own fears and dark feelings that we all have inside.

He cried for help many times that night and I was there for him and so was God. In the end it all came down to the fact I was alone and he was me. If God did not allow me to see myself from out of my own perspective I don’t know if I would be here today.

Later when I was out of the hospital and alone. I questioned God and thought he did not exist. I pushed away and knew for a moment that there was no God and only I was there that night for myself. Then when I was OK with the thought of no God – it happened. He reached to me once again and showed me his everlasting love. People quoting Jeremiah 29:12 all day – it was everywhere. I went for coffee with a friend and there where 12 people all with wooden crosses around there necks sitting there – a 13’th man came up to them, looked at me and said hello to me – then sat with them. I came home and someone from my past called me. We talked and he told me he was now a pastor. In the day he was one bad ass person. We talked for a long time and he told me many things.

When I was alone I looked into the darkness and said out loud, “I hear you lord” and it felt like I was floating. For a moment there was no pain and I was at peace completely. All I can say now is thank you for being with me when I needed you. I know your hand was on mine and I know you have changed me in many ways. I don’t know who I will be when I am done looking around at what you have to show me. But I know you will never be far from me. Thank you Jesus and I understand so many things now.

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